Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
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I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
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Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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