I met the friendliest cop last night
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
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