someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
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That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
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can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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