I'm sorry my penis didn't work
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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