tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
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Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
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Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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