Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
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After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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