My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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