new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
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I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
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Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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