Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
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If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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