i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
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Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
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I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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