if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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