I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
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I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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