4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I will pee on everything he values.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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