my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
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You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
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starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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