Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
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I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
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My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize