its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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