you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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