Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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