college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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