i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
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definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
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You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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