Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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