Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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