I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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