Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
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i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
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I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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