Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
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I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
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I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize