I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
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Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
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Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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