Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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