Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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