Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
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I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
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I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
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