I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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