Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
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I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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