hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
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thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
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Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
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