Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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