the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
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Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
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