she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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