Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
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Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
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Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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