my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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