Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
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I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
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I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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