can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
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