No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
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Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
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"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
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