It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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