since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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