Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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