I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
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Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
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he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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