two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize