you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
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He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The uberlube is also flammable
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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