you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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