she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
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do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
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That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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