my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
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I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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