On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
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I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
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Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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